My friend and peer Jennifer Hepton specialising in grief and loss coaching asked a question around my relationship with those concepts.
For this I had to backtrack and face some difficult truths.
For the past around 15 years I’ve suffered with Trichotillomania, which is compulsive hair pulling.
I’ve tried all the ways to stop: wigs, hairbands, fidget gadgets, meditation, habit shifting techniques, you name it. I *C-A-N-N-O-T* seem to stop, in fact I’m lucky I’m not bald!
I asked the question of my inner self, and here’s what I got:
“You have struggled with this for some years now. We would advise you to consider the moments you begin to pull your hair: it is when you feel the anxiety of the unknown as you step into any expansive action OR the moments when you feel anxiety for NOT stepping into an expansive action. Your only respite from this sensation is when you are not thinking on an unconscious level at all.
To move past this issue you must have faith in the process.
This began if you remember, around the age of 21, so actually quite late by most “neurotic” standards, which usually develop in childhood. At this time at University you had opened yourself up to loving another and you were beginning to experience the true meaning of love lost.
Since this understanding of death, effectively, you have found it difficult to fully engage with life – you see actively trying and expanding as an indicator of your impending loss and so you pull your hair as a reminder of your physicality and also to relieve the pain of expansion, which previously felt joyful and relatively fearless. This has since been replicated time and time again with love – the incomprehensible sense of love and “temporariness”.
In order to completely shake this deeply reenforced association of love and loss, death and finality, you must face the prospect of death – not your actual death, but the temporary death of love, life as you know it and the need for your wants to be immediately and forever fulfilled.
It will be a hard task to implement, particularly as you are a young soul and ultimately quite naive to the life-death cycle.”
ANNNNND… When you think you’re done, there’s always more work to do.🤨
I continue on this exploration and acceptance of the Life-Death-Life cycle, because it happens day in, day out.
The death of friendships and the beginning of new.
The death of my Beingness with others, and the start of New ways to show up.
The breaking apart old stories and adopting a more aligned way to see the world.
The seasons, the time of the month, the moon, the weather systems. I could go on…
All moving through some form of life-death-life cycle.
Currently, in my fear and nativity I am muting the experience of the “life” part of the cycle in my experiences, in order to slow down the onset of “death” part of my experiences…
…but is this working as a concept for me, or is it an illusion?
I challenge this as part of my next expansion:
FULLY EMBODIED FLOW OF LIFE
FULLY EMBODIED EBB OF DEATH.
In all, in all, in all.
Feature image credit: https://www.saglikocagim.net
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