Hello Curious Friends and Welcome to Episode 7 of the Curiously You podcast!
In this episode with Salema Veliu, we dive into the power of our language in helping us break out of old mindsets and belief patterns, and the importance of permission and boundaries.
When we are in a rut and unable to change, we tend to use the same language over and over and over again to explain the issue we are struggling with. The language we use has the power to bring about drastic changes in the way we approach our life. We discuss how we can start to become aware of our habitual language patterns in order to change them.
Permission is the unspoken powerhouse in our life. We constantly seek it, and give it – to ourselves and others, but it’s not always explicitly discussed. We consider how to we can cultivate the ability to give ourselves permission, in our actions, thoughts, emotions, and in expressing our wants and needs to others.
By extension of speaking about permission, we discuss boundaries, because permission only exists in this context because of the existence of boundaries. We discuss how to set boundaries for ourselves and in our relationships, and how our language influences the perceived boundaries we put in place, and the permissions we seek.
We speak about “The Happiness Trap”, how happiness is no longer useful in describing how we want to feel. We also discuss non-avoidance in experiencing our emotions, and the importance of honouring our sadness.
Salema dives into the idea of the “experiencing” and the “remembering” self, how in the modern world the two are often lumped together, but in reality they are both very different. Depending on which one we associate with, it can have a huge impact on our well-being.
You are going to love this episode if:
– You feel like there is an invisible force holding you back from making changes in your life that you simply can’t put your finger on.
– Struggle to assert yourself in your career, in a relationship, or in a friendship.
– Can’t shake that same old story you tell yourself about a particular problem, or the ‘type of person you are’.
– Find that you spend a lot of time thinking “about” your life, rather than living “in” it.
Time-stamped Show Notes
[04:40] Choose our words in order to influence what we want and need from others.
[07:06] Why people have a negative view of permission and boundaries, and how it starts with us.
[11:42] How to assess our language to learn what our needs are and how the way we speak influences boundaries and permissions.
[14:47] How to cultivate the ability to give ourselves permission and create contentment in each day.
[16:24] The power of the word ‘how’. How is expansive and in using it we create permission for ourselves.
[18:03] Building strength, stamina, resilience in the brain (not the mind). The importance of creating habits through repetition, which builds are neural connections.
[26:43] What is it that you *really* want, not what is it that you *think* you want – how to know. [unique value point]
[28:44] The importance of processing the negative thoughts and not avoiding what is uncomfortable through permission.
[29:45] Cultural and social conditioning – it is implied that permission isn’t granted.
[30:29] “The Happiness Trap”, why Salema doesn’t believe in the usefulness of the word “happy”, and giving ourselves permission to feel sad.
[36:11] The confusion between experience and memory/the real and the illusory self: are you happy “in” your life vs. are you happy “about” your life? There is a massive difference between the two.
[42:35] Practicing non-avoidance and regulating well-being by honouring the positive and the negative sides of the self. Dropping the struggle to be perfect and control everything.
[50:23] Building our physical presence. How our body language gives and holds back permission.
[55:39] Putting self-boundaries in place, and how boundaries are essential for permission.
[58:55] How language and words help other people understand your boundaries, and how when we are silent the issue remains unresolved in our mind.
[01:04:11] Three golden questions that Salema uses on her coaching clients that you can use on yourself [unique value point].
Key Take Homes
Permission starts with us. We cannot expect to make changes unless we give ourselves permission to do so.
Our language is powerful. When we start to shift the language we use to describe our problems and/or our character, we start to change the neural connections in our brain and make real lasting changes for ourselves.
Practicing non-avoidance and honouring both the positive and negative sides of the self will help us drop the struggle for perfection and control.
Presence: How To Use Positive Energy For Success In Every Situation by Patsy Rodenburg
I loved Salema’s three golden questions. Thinking about your main current struggle:
What COULD you do?
What CAN you do?
What WILL you do?
Go ahead and let me know in the comments, or send me an email directly!
Thanks so much for listening and, until the next episode, take care of yourself.