Welcome to the 24th Curiously You podcast episode with guest Madison Hedlund! Today we discuss processing and healing childhood trauma, particularly where it has led to people-pleasing “good girl” habits, plus we’ll discuss how to shed outdated coping mechanisms, and set healthy boundaries in our lives.
As we become more ourselves, be can no longer deal with the exhaustion and resentment that comes with constantly having poor boundaries and stretching ourselves to please others. Madison talks us through setting healthy boundaries with those in our life in order eliminate co dependency in our relationships, and create more loving precious moments with those we care for.
You’ll love this episode if:
– You are fed up with reacting with the same old patterns, even though you know they don’t serve you any longer.
– You are tired of jumping to meet everyone else’s expectations, and want to start speaking and living your own truth.
– You want to learn how to create personal boundaries out of love rather than anger and resentment.
Time-stamped Show Notes
[4:16] Madison grew up in a toxic environment, and found herself at war with her own personal magic and shine. She found herself a victim in her own home, and so projected that behaviour out into the world.
[7:31] When she learnt how to heal the trauma, she realised that she didn’t need those childhood coping strategies anymore.
[9:18] Around age 13/14, Madison’s family life took a turn for the worst. She joined a religious youth group that helped her feel self-worth. This community inspired her faith and gave her a set of rules.
However, her patterns of behaviour and trauma didn’t allow this new framework to be embraced in a healthy way: her worth was funnelled into being “good”, and excelling toward expectations.
[13:15] Madison wanted to be a sex therapist. She was advised to enter therapy to overcome her childhood trauma, but she was hesitant. After a serious family incident, Madison realised that mental illness ran in her family.
She went into a 6 month intensive with an energy healer where her old coping mechanisms were stripped away, and she learned new ways to cope. After that intense time of healing, she was in a really healthy place and saw a life coach, and she became invested in being the most healthy version of herself, which in turn has positively influenced her family.
[18:10] The kind of therapy Madison experienced was a semantic healing. Her therapist believed that all of us, as humans, experience and process trauma differently. If we don’t allow trauma to flow through and deal with it, we create a coping mechanism and store it in our body.
[22:45] After going through the intense healing process with her therapist, Madison was taught to grieve everything she had been suppressing. She had to reprogram the way she processed things to allow the grief and trauma to flow through rather than develop a coping mechanism around it, as she had been so accustomed to.
Madison experienced raw emotions and felt emotionally unstable during this time. Yet now, metaphorically, she has learnt to break apart the “boulders,” of trauma so they eventually turn to pebbles, and then sand flowing through her, rather than being lodged within her body.
[25:32] For those who don’t have access to therapists, Madison advises you to be willing to just be yourself in order to process trauma. We can’t run from our story, our past, or anything that’s coming up for us if we want to be whole. We have to be with it, see our “stuff”, however stop identifying it and choosing to be victim to it.
Other tools are journaling and “realising work” which is essentially an allowing exercise: Envision yourself in that situation and say these words: “I allow…” and then say a word. A lot of people do have access to EMDR therapy which helps your brain process experience differently.
[34:32] Madison provides examples on how to approach a conversation with the right message and words to draw boundaries and speak your truth amongst your closest inner circle. Madison talks about the “compliment sandwich,” which is two layers of love and one layer (the filling) explaining the boundary in a loving way. This is useful for a conversation for declining something.
She also offers examples of how to communicate when a boundary violation has occurred. You set the conversation up in a way where the person feels affirmed and loved through focusing on the behaviour, and the way you feel. E.g., “When you call me so many times, I feel….”
[47:38] Madison explains how this empowered way of communicating her boundaries has impacted her life in such a positive way. Everyone else’s drama is not her drama, and she can stay in her own lane without feeling the need to fix or rescue her family.
She has also developed the compassion to understand that everyone else is on their own journey. Whenever she started feeling worthy and powerful, she started to see other people like this, which is so liberating.
Key Take Homes
– As humans we are programmed to develop coping mechanisms around the trauma we experience. If we do not allow ourselves to deal with this trauma, this eventually stores in our body and energy fields and projects into our lives.
– When drawing boundaries, it’s important to communicate to others through focusing on their behavior and how that behaviour made you feel. Avoid personal attacks on character.
– Take time and be willing to just be with yourself. Sit with your thoughts and feeling and allow it to process.
Madison Hedlund’s website: http://www.madisonhedlund.co
Madison’s Boundaries 101 course will be opening in November 2017! Be sure to check it out.
The Four Agreements: Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz
Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown
How can you use a compliment sandwich to use the right language and deliver a more constructive message when it comes to drawing boundaries with others?
Let me know in the comments!
Thanks so much for tuning in Curious Friends, wishing you every opportunity to set your boundaries and speak your truth this weekend!